It has been way too long since I posted something on my blog. I would like to start with a few changes. First, I am done with my own mental struggle of doubting if anyone wants to read what I have to say. I want to write it down, and I want to share it on my blog. Perhaps it helps someone besides me, and otherwise it helps me by writing it down. See it as my own personal journal, which has the side “issue” that it can be read by everyone else. That also brings me to my second change. As you can see I am from now on going to write my blogposts in English. Or atleast most of them. It is a more universal language than Dutch, and I think that this way I can reach more people if they are meant to read it. Okay, with that being said, let’s jump to the reason I started writing again.
Okay. I am going to start with stating that writing this is scary. Not because I don’t stand with my decisions, but because I am still a bit scared of the opinion of society. However, the people surrounding me support me and that is the best support I can wish for.
I stopped my minor. There. I said it. It is out in the open, and here for anyone to read. Now some may wonder “but why..?”. Well, simply because I was very unhappy. It did a number on my mental health. Every day I woke up feeling drained, not being able to focus or to perform the “simplest” tasks at hand. Like showering, it costed me more energy than I had. Or cooking, which has been a passion of mine for so long, I did not feel like doing. I put “simplest” between quotation marks because everyones journey is different, and what seem to be simple tasks to someone can be a daytask for someone else. So don’t judge other stories. However, me not being able to do those things were the first signs that showed to me that I should stop what I was doing.
Together with all the stress from living in a small home, the whole covid-19 crisis that is still going on, the stress and workload of starting a new minor in a complete digital setting was too much. After realizing that, I decided that it was time to put my mental health first. Really this time.
I say “really this time” because I had been saying to for a while longer now. But in the meantime I was still stressing every day, putting huge expectations for myself to reach, and while trying to relax my mind was always overthinking, planning and stressing. So I had to make a choice. Do I want to continue to do this? Half-ass putting my mental health first, and half-ass trying to focus on my minor? No. It was not fair to me, or to my collegue students whom I did projects with. Nor to my partner, Renée, who has been giving his all to support me through my minor and mental health issues.
For those who are wondering if this just started with my minor, the answer is no. I have been struggling, not officially diagnosed, with a burn-out before. And I am not sure I fully recovered from that before starting a job and starting a study after it. The past 2,5 years I felt it lurking, and setting root again in my brain and body. And this time I decided to put it to a halt before it completely put me out of use. I wanted to show up for me, myself and my body. How can I expect of my body and mind to show up for me, if I don’t have their back?
Well, that last thing was a though cookie for me. I have always been told that I should just push through. Was it me who told me that? My parents? My partner? Teachers? Society? Honestly I don’t know exactly where it started. I only know that I am a perfectionist, with a fear of failure and a tendency to put the bar where no one can reach it. So I decided to stop that mind set. To actually show up for my body and mental health. So I took the leap and stepped out of my minor, to focus on my mental health and to recollect myself.
And that is a thing that I would like to put out there in the world. Your mental health is more important than finishing your study in the time that is seen as the standard. Your mental health, together with your general health, is the most imporant thing you have. So please, take care of yourself.
The coming six months, as far as I can see in the future, I will be focussing on myself. How to rest, how to relax, and to become healthier. Mentally and physically. To focus more on the things that I love and to find out what my passions are nowadays. And I think I would like to post updates here, for myself and perhaps you the reader.
If you came all this way, thank you. Thank you for taking the time to read my story. And I hope in one way or another it helped you.
*hugs* – Me
LittleDarkGhost 